Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:12 AM

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. When I was a little girl, this was just a bedtime story. As an adult, I can read the lesson between the lines. Picky people are hard to bear. When I heard the story of "Cinderella", I wanted glass slippers. Now I would need the slippers in size eight and a half. If I tried to squeeze my feet into eights, I'd undoubtedly shatter my dreams about Prince Charming. "If the shoe fits, wear it" is "Cinderella�... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:12 AM

No, I didn't go river rafting or rock climbing or skeet shooting. My sense of accomplishment came from single-handedly getting a sitter. Yes, I found a responsible, experienced, college sophomore, who didn't have a date on Saturday night. Unfortunately, her boyfriend comes back from National Guard duty next week; but we had her for Saturday night. We had her so my husband and I could go out for a romantic dinner for two. Yes, the romantic dinner was my idea. Our childre... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:11 AM

For my grandmother slang was a four-letter word. She didn't want slang in the dictionary because she thought it infected our language. "He goes", "she goes", "they go" but no one goes anywhere. Because enough people used the word goes incorrectly for a long enough period of time, the goes that means says goes into Webster's Dictionary - and there goes our language. When I wasn't looking, the adjective "pretty" morphed into a noun, a... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:07 AM

I am one of the lucky ones. I work at home. My commute is less than thirty seconds and I'm much less likely to spill Starbuck's coffee on my lap. However, all house and no play makes for the occasional need of a sitter - but where have all the sitters gone? Sitters seem to have become an endangered species. The bald eagle is an endangered species and I'm beginning to think bald eagles are bald from scratching their heads in sitter frustration. Between the plentiful... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:05 AM

No one man has all the qualities I want my president to have, but maybe I want too much. I want a man of the people - someone who understands the problems of the common man - someone who tells it like it is - someone like a termite inspector. My candidate should have experience governing. He should work unceasingly to get different groups to work together for the common good. He should have been a PTA President. Of course, getting people to work together requires compromise; and we&... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:04 AM

A litterbug is someone who drops something, but picks it up when asked. Litterbugs who don't respond to "Excuse me, you dropped something" should be called litter roaches. Frequently you see people in orange vests picking up litter along highways. Often this is punishment for their wrongdoings. Unfortunately, when wrongdoers pick up others' wrongdoings, two wrongs don't make a right. Global warming isn't right, but the concept needs to be re-explained ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:03 AM

Ask people what they do when they go to Las Vegas and they'll say they play slot machines. I play slot machines too, but not only in Las Vegas. There are legal slot machines where I live. Because all free parking spaces seem to be taken by fire hydrants, I learned how to play suburban slot machines, also known as parking meters. I remember when the library parking meters took pennies. No more. In fact, some parking meters don't take nickels anymore. The day is coming w... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:02 AM

My conscience won't go on vacation. I can slather it with sunscreen and lay it in the sun, I can buy it maps and take it sightseeing, I can dress it up and take it out for a romantic dinner - but it refuses to go on vacation. While I'm trying to have fun, my conscience continually lectures me. Although I try to explain that a vacation is time to do and eat things you don't at home, it won't listen. My conscience nags me most about exercise. It insists I make time to e... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:01 AM

Because I grew up in a house of females, I thought a man was a woman with a penis. When I left that house as a newlywed, I thought a man wanted to share his feelings, as well as his life. Wrong. Even those who are in touch with their feminine side don't know how to talk about it. Eventually I realized men are different. Eventually I realized it's no coincidence females are called "wo - men". Putting the worn and dirty Nike on the other foot, however, I stopped s... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:01 AM

Home-cooked meals - pork chops, pot roast and roast chicken - used to be the norm. Now they're the exception. A family that can co-ordinate schedules to have dinner together has become food for thought. Thoughts about food run the gamut from necessities to no-no's - from vitamins and minerals to Vic's pizza and Ming's chow mein - to take-out. Because we all seem to be on the treadmill of life, take-out has become the reality of today's family dinners. Hea... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:01 AM

I didn't have to look for my husband. He was delivered to my front door by a mutual friend, who planned to introduce him to my older sister. Opportunity knocked, but I opened the door. Opportunity can be anywhere - almost anywhere. I wouldn't look for husband material in a ninety-nine cent store. Maybe the guy's saving money, but maybe he's cheap. I wouldn't look for Mr. Right in a coin laundry either. If he can't afford a washer and dryer, he can�... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:00 AM

I admit it. I need a twelve-step program for people addicted to mail order catalogs. I was clean and shopless for eight months. I was able to put every catalog that came in the mail into the wastebasket without opening a page. Unfortunately, my resistance crumbled when I was marooned in a doctor's waiting room without a magazine - not even a three-month-old copy of Newsweek. The other patients, who were also trying to be patient, had taken all the reading material except one, dog-ear... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:57 AM

I admit it. I was the victim of marriage tests in women's magazines. When my marriage failed the "Marital Aptitude Test", I was concerned. When it failed "Are You and Your Mate Well Mated?", I started to worry. However, when it failed the "Monogamous Multiple Choice", I decided my marriage needed help. My husband disagreed. He said the problems would go away as soon as I stopped reading women's magazines when I went to the doctor. John doesn't belie... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:55 AM

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket". I grew up hearing that advice; but I'd never thought of my purse as a basket - until it was stolen. Then I was a basket - case. At first I couldn't believe it. My purse had been pilfered! Purloined! Filched! Absconded with! My just-been-to-the-ATM cash was gone. My credit cards were gone. My driver's license was gone. I called the police to report the theft, but I should have called a psychiatrist too. My identity was ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:53 AM

My COMPUTER is my friend. My computer IS my friend. My computer is my FRIEND. No matter how I said it, I couldn't convince myself. This past winter it was frozen more than Grand Forks, North Dakota. When I have a problem with my computer, my husband offers to share his until mine is fixed; but that's like taking him off life support. He invariably gasps for air to tell me I could have bought a new computer with the money I'd spent on repairs. Computers are being ma... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:52 AM

Sushi is so popular in Southern California the local bar is likely a sushi bar. However, the farther sushi is from the ocean, the less popular it is. If you think sushi belongs in an aquarium, concentrate on the rice - not the raw fish - when you try it. Without the rice it's called sashimi. Don't try sashimi unless you convince yourself it's what Japanese eat to stay thin. Basically, sushi is a combination of protein and carbohydrate. If your mother told y... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:49 AM

Pink Gin, Pale Punk Pink, In the Pink - I think naming nail polishes would be a delightfully colorful job - until my boss thought I was having too much fun and suggested I name a polish Pink Slip Pink. When someone names a polish Miraculous Mauve, I might be able to polish my nails without also polishing my fingertips. Until then, I'll happily pay a manicurist to do my nails. Unfortunately, manicured nails weren't enough for me. During one of many, mini, mid-life crises... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:49 AM

My looks aren't mine. I could tell you I look like Jacquelyn Smith with blond hair or Diane Sawyer with short hair or Jamie Lee Curtis with better movie choices, but my looks depend on how others see me. Technically, I look like the combination of my mother's egg and my father's sperm; but because they didn't look like Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis, that's not much help. I have a standard poodle. If people look like their dogs, I look like I'm having a... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:45 AM

PAT is my personal system for handling litter. No, not the stuff that's thoughtlessly strewn along streets and highways and is dropped in parks and on beaches. PAT, which stands for Put Away Things, is for the litter in my house. PAT is what keeps casual living from turning into chaos. Dirty dishes in the sink, the morning newspaper in sections across the sectional sofa, laundry that didn't make it into the washing machine - that's some of my litter. My husband... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:39 AM

I'm not in the fast lane. What's in and what's on the road pass me by. My car is thirty-eight years old. In people years that's five hundred ninety. I've had my car for twenty of its thirty-eight years. In DMV years twenty is at least four times I haven't had to register a new car. A new car starts depreciating as soon as it leaves the dealership. My car's appreciating, which I appreciate - especially as I didn't know how expensive it w... more...