Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:57 AM

There are three types of photo collections - those in albums, those in boxes and those on refrigerator doors. Refrigerator photos are for people who think outside the box. I don't like having my picture taken. If a picture is worth a thousand words, there are millions of words available to show why I don't like it. Because I believe in doing unto others as I would have them do unto me, I don't take pictures. My husband is the family photographer. John puts the "... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:57 AM

Brunch must have been invented by a female. When we lived on the East Coast, brunch was a late, Sunday breakfast at home. It was an edible excuse for me to sleep more and cook less. On the West Coast brunch is big business. On the West Coast you don't have bunch, you DO brunch. On the West Coast you do brunch on Saturday or Sunday. There are two kinds of brunch - menu and buffet. If it's my choice, it means my birthday is on a weekend. I avoid brunches on major ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:56 AM

An adage is a time-tested truism, but some adages don't ad up anymore. "A penny saved is a penny earned" has deflated in meaning because of inflation. "Penny-wise and pound foolish" is an English adage. Here it would be more effective as an ad for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Another truism about money is "A fool and his money are soon parted". This one must explain Las Vegas. Then there's the one about saving for a rainy day. Because I live in ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:53 AM

I don't know about you, but I need a vacation. It doesn't have to be at an exotic location. It doesn't have to be break-the-bank expensive. I just need to get away so I can appreciate what I have when I come back. What I have might be a little dustier, but I'll appreciate it more. The last trip I remember taking was on the ripped carpet. What I need is a mini vacation. It could be a day trip or maybe an overnight. I want to pack light - maybe a map or a camera - but n... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:52 AM

What is it about babies that makes us want to touch a woman's pregnant belly? What makes us want to nibble babies' toes? Babies are human magnets. Their innocence and vulnerability draw us to them. Of course, when they aren't ours, we feel innocent when they scream and we don't feel vulnerable when they need a diaper change. All babies are beautiful. Some are just more beautiful than others. That's genetics. Teaching the child to be beautiful on the insi... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:52 AM

I was flipping down the yellow, brick road of my life as I flipped through the pages of a photo album. Were the boys ever that little? Did I really have as many hair styles as Oprah? Then there were the pictures of our four-legged family. The boys had a series of keep-it-in-your-room pets; but our first, family pet was a rabbit - VW Rabbit. Fat and furry, VW had a voracious appetite for non-food items, like kitchen gloves and carpet fringe; but he was better than a Swiffer at cleaning th... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:51 AM

Everyone should have a hobby. That's what my grandmother said. She believed "Busy hands were happy hands" and if I didn't keep my hands busy, she'd tell me "Idle hands do the Devil's work". To prove she had the patients of a saint Grandmother taught me how to knit. Then all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, but now I understand. When one of my days is turned upside down by a car with a dead battery, a toilet that's overflowing like a f... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:50 AM

Technically compromise means "together promise". In reality, however, it means hard work. All sides have to give a little in order to meet in the middle. It's meant to be a win/win situation in which everyone accepts losing something. There's a perfect example of commercial compromise just a few miles from my house. It's called the China Hut Donut Shop. I've never eaten there, but I'm guessing the egg rolls have holes in the middle and an hour after eatin... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:49 AM

The best thing about unexpected guests - yes, there is a best thing - is that you have no expectations. Until a few years ago I thought a phone call announcing the imminent arrival of an unexpected guest qualified as an obscene phone call. Now I can be ready in minutes. First, I postpone the arrival of the guest until after dark. Then the dirt on the windows won't show. Second, because dust is less noticeable on light furniture, I dust only the few dark pieces we sti... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:48 AM

How do I know I'm an optimist? I know because I meet the three, most obvious requirements. I got out of bed this morning, I'm married and I have children. Of course, there are lots of other ways to tell if someone's a positive person. When the weatherman forecasts a party cloudy day, a positive person sees it as partly sunny. He washes his car and leaves his umbrella at home. If it rains, his positive nature stays dry. People whose glass is half full appreciate tha... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:45 AM

My watch runs fast. In spite of the jeweler telling me that it runs perfectly, I know that its hands spin around the dial when I'm not looking. Time seemed to pass very slowly when I was a child. The week before we went to the circus seemed at least a month long. When my grandmother complained about time going too fast, I thought she was a bit daft. I thought she was the best grandmother in the world, but a bit daft. I don't anymore. Now I know exactly how Grand... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:41 AM

"But first a few words from our sponsors" and those few words are turning into more and more. There are also more and more commercial interruptions and they never say excuse me when they interrupt. Most people ignore this rudeness and use commercials as snack breaks and toilet trips, but no one gets a beer or flushes one down the toilet during the Super Bowl. They don't want to miss seeing horses play football or the nerd getting the pretty girl because of the car he drives.... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:41 AM

I think the Secretary of the Treasury should issue a warning that having children is hazardous to the health of parents' finances. In self defense we should teach our children about saving money as soon as they've swallowed their first penny or had their first visit from the tooth fairy. My younger son was a fast learner. He started his own business at age seven. When his older brother had a series of temper tantrums and threw his toys into Stillings' room, Stillings sold ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:39 AM

"Older, but wiser" doesn't apply to me. When my governor campaigned for his job, he said he was wealthy - he wouldn't need special interest money. There must be a difference between need and want. When I was trying to raise money for a special interest of mine, I didn't expect a donation from everyone I asked; but I did expect them from the people who said they'd donate. I was surprised at what some peoples' word is worth. Our cable company says ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:38 AM

I'm determined to be a good sport. I just can't decide at what sport I'd be good. Although my parents were golfers, I didn't inherit their talent. Addressing the ball, shifting my weight when I swung the club, keeping my head down - basically, I couldn't keep my eye on the ball. My grandmother kept me on horseback every summer - until a bee stung my horse. He bucked - I fell - he kicked me in the head. As soon as I regained consciousness, I stopped horsin... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:38 AM

When people refer to the good, old days, I don't know if those days were better or just different. I know the cipher zero was different. It hadn't been confused with the letter "O" in numbers. I remember candy bars costing ten cents. Not only were they cheaper, they were bigger. Both children and dentists were happier. There was a time when candy and other foods were made without preservatives and stabilizers. Food was made to eat then - not to last forever. more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:36 AM

The difference between friends and acquaintances is whether you'd let them see you without makeup or leave them alone in a room with your mother-in-law. My grandmother told me it was better to have one good pal than a room full of acquaintances. I know she was right; but when I want to know how I look in a new outfit or with a different hairstyle that one pal is going to tell me the truth. Sometimes truth hurts. Whoever said you don't have to say you're sorry to pals must h... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:36 AM

I don't know why women got a reputation for being bad drivers - unless pushing supermarket carts counts as driving. I think I'm a good driver. After all, I spent seven years driving in New York City. When I sang "New York, New York", I changed the words. I sang "If you can drive it there, you can drive it anywhere. New York. New York". When I drive, I follow the rules of the road, while trying not to follow the car in front of me too closely. I stop for pedestri... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:35 AM

"Don't put that in your mouth". "Don't touch". Our lives begin with rules and the amount of rules grows as we grow. As soon as I could walk, I heard, "Don't run in the house". On one occasion, however, my mother ran. Actually, she was chasing my sisters and me with a water pistol; and it was my mother who fell and gashed her leg on the coffee table. That was the first time I heard, "Do as I say - not as I do". "Don't talk wi... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:35 AM

There's that time of year - which can be any time of year - I want to drop everything, have someone take over my responsibilities and feel as free as the wind. During childhood this is known as the running-away-to-join-the-circus syndrome. During adulthood it's known as fantasy - fantasy that's fed by the get-away ads for Southwest Airlines. Because there's no first class on Southwest - no comfortable section where you're given cashews instead of peanuts ... more...