Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:55 AM

Whatever happened to truth in advertising? I live in Los Angeles, where what you see isn't necessarily what you get. Face lifts, breast implants, liposuction - we're walking billboards for plastic surgery. I often walk past an apartment complex named Ocean Heaven. It sounds heavenly, but it's three blocks from the ocean. Downtown there's a sign on a new condo complex that says "Living above LA". I'm not sure if that means it's high living or ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:55 AM

My grandmother would say the English language has gone to hell in a handbasket. I agree; but because I didn't know where that saying came from, I Googled it. I found out that in 1714 the governor of Piscataqua said something about giving his head in a handbasket before passing something. Then, of course, I had to Google Piscataqua to find out it's an area in New Hampshire. I never found out the derivation of the phrase or when handbasket became two words, but I did find out tha... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:49 AM

Is living on the edge a lifestyle? Living on the edge means different things at different stages in life. For a toddler it means letting go of Mommy's hand to take that first step. It's the first lesson in the ups and downs of life. An adolescent learns to compromise and share in order not to be pushed over the edge by another adolescent. Unfortunately, however, I know a few people who survived adolescence without learning to compromise and share. When teenage... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:48 AM

Who knew that 46.4% of the average American's food dollar is spent in restaurants? Our lives have gotten so hectic we don't have time to defrost dinner or put something in the microwave. I remember when going out to eat was a treat. Now, in spite of eating out being more expensive and less healthy for us, it's becoming a necessity. Because I'm a glass-half-full person - the glass presently being half full of diet soda - I think there might be good news about ea... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:48 AM

Who knew wines in screw-top bottles would become acceptable to knowledgeable wine drinkers? These are the same people who had to adjust to plastic corks. No wonder they drink. My husband is a knowledgeable wine drinker. He knows what years produced good grapes and what wineries are best for which wines. I don't. If I like a like a wine, I'll buy it again. If I can't remember its name, I look for the same picture on the label. When John took me to my first wine tas... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:44 AM

A friend sent me a postcard from France. The rolling hills of Provence, lush vineyards and charming chateaus - yes, I remember it well. When my husband and I went to France, I packed so much he accused me of trying to smuggle things into the country for a garage sale. I'm a girl scout at heart. I wanted to be prepared. To be prepared for the change in time a friend advised me to stay awake on the flight and go to bed at my usual time - local time. Blurry-eyed and e... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:41 AM

Aren't there anymore original ideas? Now "The Simpsons" is a movie. Soon Hollywood will be making "Oceans 21" and Spiderman will be using a walker. One "CSI" turned into three. One reality show turned into an unreal number of them. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but on television the words are repeated. "Good Morning America" has become "Good Morning Iowa City". If a baby girl was named Iowa City that would be unusual. I thought Madis... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:41 AM

When I read package labels in the supermarket, am I the only one who thinks I'm reading about "hellth" food? A food manufacturer makes his products low fat. That sounds healthy, right? Wrong. The products have so much sugar I could serve them for dessert. I recently read that the average American eats two and a half pounds of sugar a week. First, who are these average Americans? If they eat that much sugar, shouldn't they be easy to see? By eating natural sugar in things... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:40 AM

What a difference a day makes - unless you're going through life on automatic. Scientists are no help. They say we shouldn't sleep late even if we have the chance. Supposedly not getting up at the same time every day has a negative effect on our biorhythms. Obviously, those scientists don't have young children. I try to get up before the alarm clock goes off. There's no pushing the snooze button. If I snooze, I lose what I hope will be a head start on the day. For me g... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:40 AM

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" When my mirror giggled, I made an appointment for a makeover at the "New You", a very chic beauty salon. Did I want a manicure or a massage? How about a new hair style? I wanted the works. In by nine, out by five - just like my dry cleaning. As soon as I walked through the salon's gold door, I was greeted by a Miss-Universe-type, who handed me a shapeless, chartreuse smock and paper slippers. N... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:14 AM

A funny thing happened on the way through our marriage. John and I have reached a state of contentedly happy companionship. The excitement of new love has matured. When we were newlyweds, I didn't make dinner until John got home. A few years later life and children got in the way and I kept his dinner warm. Now if John comes home late, his dinner is defrosting to room temperature. When we were newlyweds, we surprised each other with love notes and little gifts. We still leav... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:12 AM

If Santa had to drive instead of fly, he wouldn't make it to my house Christmas Eve. Traffic raises my blood pressure and makes me late. The only good thing about traffic is that it keeps me from speeding. Speeding is against the law. Traffic should be too. There are times I would get my errands done faster if I physically ran them instead of drove and feeling exhausted would be better than breathing exhaust. Listening to the radio doesn't sooth my savage beast because ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:12 AM

How do you know when you're grown up? Is it when people stop asking you what you want to be? One of the first things I wanted to be was an only child - no hand-me-down's, no sharing, no comparing, no competition.Then I realized if I didn't have siblings, I wouldn't have anyone to share the blame. From the age of ten I wanted to be a writer. I wrote the wordiest essays in fifth grade, which inspired my teacher to teach me about editing. The next thing I wanted to be was... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:08 AM

I still have nightmares about being unprepared for school tests. Would dream analysts interpret that as meaning I don't feel in control of my life or that I have a fear of failure? Maybe I just need to be better prepared for blood tests and eye tests. I went to an all girls' school - white blouses, blue skirts and brown oxfords. The only time I got away with makeup was for missed tests. I didn't like math. I didn't like subjects that had exact answers - subjects... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:08 AM

Here's a thought I recently sank my teeth into. You know you're middle-aged when you start wishing people healthy birthdays instead of happy ones. You promise yourself you're going to lose weight, eat better or exercise more. Maybe you promise yourself you're going to do all three, but who promises themselves they're going to brush their teeth more or floss? When it comes to oral hygiene, I think David Letterman and fluoride have improved America's sm... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:07 AM

Because we live in a time of stressed-out multi-tasking, I think everyone deserves a little time to be lazy. Unfortunately, my conscience is hyperactive and won't listen to me. I have to schedule time not to do anything so I don't feel guilty about not doing anything productive. Nevertheless, there's a fine line between being lazy and being practical. My clothes are black - black prints, black stripes and basic black. When I shop for clothes, I don't look at anything ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:06 AM

I don't understand people who think they're too old for birthdays. Don't they know there's lots of people who'd love to be their age? Don't they read the obituaries? I tried to share my feelings about birthdays with my husband. Of course, any discussion about feelings with a man is a short discussion, but I told him the birthdays of people we love should be special days for us too. We should celebrate having these people in our lives. So far so good; but when... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:04 AM

When I asked Cousin Walter what he wanted for his birthday present, he calmly replied a pair of Star Wars suspenders. That's when I stopped asking people what they wanted and gave myself peace of mind instead. Not long after that, however, I decided to rescue my aunt from another Massachusetts winter and invited her to spend those three months with me in Los Angeles. Right then I could have been voted niece of the month - maybe of the year; but one month later I wanted to cancel my ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:03 AM

Women live an average of five years longer than men. That shouldn't be a surprise. That's life. It begins with girls playing less violent games. As girls grow up, they play the same sports as boys; but they don't play them as violently. When girls grow from adolescence to womanhood, they're not limping. Women are built to propagate - to carry a growing life from fertilized egg to newborn - from conception to seven or eight pounds. Men are built to car... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:00 AM

The plasma screen of life is out of focus. My husband and I were late getting to a party. Although the host had given us directions, we got lost. Grab my heart and fall to the floor, John pulled into a gas station and asked for directions. What is this world coming to when a doctor with nicotine stains on his fingers gives me advice about my health and the psychic my sister hired for her party asked me what I wanted to know? Even when I see it on TV it's hard to believe that politic... more...