Humor Articles

Humor | By Bob Alexander @ Thursday, 3rd April 2008 @ 2:38 AM

When the final chapter in my life's story has been written and work on the screenplay for the movie begins, someone will be faced with the difficult assignment of deciding who will play me on the big screen. It won't be an easy task because it will take an actor of the first water to capture the true essence of me. My life has had the same assortments of successes and failures, tears, both of joy and of sorrow, grand excitement and heart-rending disappointments as everyone else... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 2nd April 2008 @ 4:58 PM

Advertisers buy time on television shows based on demographics - statistical data showing the age, sex, income, etc of viewers. More men watch sports. More women watch daytime talk shows. More children watch cartoons. By knowing who's watching what when, advertisers can spend promotion dollars with an ad-vantage. The Ab Rocket ads appeal to men and women. For $99.99 and five minutes a day, the Ab Rocket promises to turn flab into fab - that's why the ad works. The reason the A... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 1st April 2008 @ 6:14 PM

In 1891 William White invented a coffin that's equipped with an emergency, signaling device in case you are buried alive. The coffin also comes with a convenient air hole for immediate resuscitation. This coffin would be the perfect gift for sound sleepers and for people who say they have everything. Literally, it's a gift to die for. In 1924 a patent was issued for the Lip Clip. Today women want big, Angelina-Jolie-type lips; but back then women wanted to emphasize the cupid&#... more...

Humor | By Catherine Harvey @ Tuesday, 1st April 2008 @ 5:03 AM

The complicated process of changing an ink cartridge is something that has baffled scientists for many years. Despite developments of so-called 'easy change' ink cartridges, removal and replacement still leave even the most dextrous of us dumbfounded. It also leaves us covered in ink. Not just a smudge of something that adds colour to your boring office attire and could look pass for a brooch if splashed in the right place but a great big, monstrous indelible ink stain that cou... more...

Humor | By Mac Bartine @ Saturday, 29th March 2008 @ 7:13 AM

Big Oil, the meat industry, chemical fertilizer manufacturers and queasy people everywhere are shaking in their boots due to recent scientific and agricultural innovations brought about by worm farming. The buzz is: worms may well save the planet. Consider: worms are one of the easiest animals in the world to farm, and all you have to do to harvest 100% organic meat is to raise earthworms in organic soil. Home worm farms are a breeze to set up; they compost your fruit and vegetabl... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 28th March 2008 @ 6:31 AM

A hobby gives us a chance to do something the best we can; but because we're not being paid to do it, no one tells us we're not doing it well enough. My grandfather's hobby was collecting. He collected coins and stamps and guns and clocks. I didn't get the collector gene. The three, glass hearts on the coffee table aren't a collection - two looked too few. The four drawings by the same artist aren't a collection - they're bad judgment. In fact, judging by the p... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 28th March 2008 @ 6:05 AM

Once a year we feel taken by the IRS. Last year, however, the IRS issued a consumer alert to prevent us from feeling taken by surprise. The alert warned about an e-mail scam offering $80 for participating in a customer satisfaction survey. Among other things, the survey asked for social security number, bank name and credit card information - information helpful in withdrawing funds, making credit card charges and getting loans. I may be blond, but I think I'd be suspicious if the IRS cared... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 28th March 2008 @ 3:11 AM

When I got married, I got a life partner. My husband got a housekeeper and a cook. He also got a laundress and a social secretary. After we had children he got a nanny to take care of them - a nanny who didn't get days off. This explains why men remarry sooner after divorce. Unfortunately, second marriages are statistically less successful than first marriages; and third marriages are statistically less successful than second ones. Obviously, good help is hard to find. In the job ma... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 27th March 2008 @ 11:13 PM

One of my grandmother's favorite sayings was don't borrow trouble. A rain cancellation, a bad medical report, an unwelcome guest - she didn't believe in worrying about something that might not happen. According to Grandmother, when you borrow trouble, it's hard to return. As a child, I not only borrowed trouble, I used it to make mountains out of mole hills. Rain on the day of my school picnic, a "B" on an exam I thought I'd aced, a pimple on prom night; ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 26th March 2008 @ 11:50 PM

In today's world not everything is what it seems. The reason the bowl of cereal in the TV ad doesn't look soggy could be because the milk is actually wood glue. The bubbly champagne could look like a party in a glass because it's been sprinkled with aspirin powder and the festive frosting on the cake could look picture perfect because it's been coated with hair spray Sometimes the food in TV ads is food for thought. Although imitation is supposed to be the sincerest f... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 25th March 2008 @ 2:04 PM

My grandmother didn't understand why people described things as "to die for". She thought something really liked should be something "to live for" - like chocolate. Chocolate is a socially acceptable addiction. It's a multi-sensory addiction that appeals to taste, smell and touch. Because it also releases chemicals similar to those released when in love, it's a hard-to-fight addiction - but I'm going to try. The Toad-Ally Snax Company drizzles chocolat... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 25th March 2008 @ 1:51 PM

If the tooth be told, George Washington's dentures weren't made of wood. They were made of bone. There have been vast improvements in dentures since then, but this has had a negative effect on the world's political situation. Now it's much easier for world leaders to bite off more than they can chew. Today's process of whitening came too late for world leader, Mao Tse-Tung. His pearly whites were supposedly green. Mao said that he didn't brush them because t... more...

Humor | By Catherine Harvey @ Thursday, 20th March 2008 @ 10:23 PM

Reports have come in today of a product recall on a meat processing machine, model number 43OhNo. This is due to a malfunction where the computerised meat processing machine develops a mind of its own and has been taking matters into its own grinder. After installation at a new butchers shop in Lancashire things had apparently been going well. That is until the butcher woke early one morning to begin the days sausage preparation. Meat was placed in the mixing section, along with spices an... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 17th March 2008 @ 2:39 PM

A new study tells us we should stop worrying about worrying as if we didn't already know. It all started when some group of research pointy heads found out that worrying about paying health insurance premiums was causing people to get sick. Their conclusions were the patient was going to be sick anyway so may as well jack up the premiums. Now we are told if one worries about having a heart attack, one more than likely will have the Big One than if one does not worry about having ... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 17th March 2008 @ 2:31 PM

You know who they are. They wear a tool belt for all their phones and gadgets. They look like a telephone line repairman. They waddle when they walk. They can speak but like all good children they only speak when spoken to. You might try texting them because it's quicker. Besides, they will tell you they just don't listen very well. They hear just fine, but don't listen. It's not what they do. They have been called gadget addicts and worse. You know th... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 17th March 2008 @ 1:56 PM

Whenever we feel the need to lower our heads in collective depression and despair, we take heart from the simple fact that things can always be worse. To reaffirm this fact of our cruel and unjust life, it helps if we remind ourselves of the imminent Italian physician and philosopher, the venerable Dr. Pietro d'Abano. The most obvious difference between Dr. P and us is we are alive and poor Dr. Pietro is dead. Long dead. He died around 1316. Almost seven centuries ago. Th... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 17th March 2008 @ 1:50 PM

There you have it and we admit we have thrown in the towel. We have lost interest in everything. That doesn't mean we're bored; it just means we have no interests. None. With no interests it's harder to get bored, no? At any rate, we have what the cowboys would say 'gone out to pasture'. In other words, our useful and productive days on this planet have since passed. We don't do anything; we just exist and speak a collective 'we'. <... more...

Humor | By Derek Dashwood @ Monday, 17th March 2008 @ 2:02 AM

The recent study findings reported by University of Edinburgh researchers shows that among 2,500 people studied, the intelligence of men and women averaged out about the same. What was striking in difference, however, was that the men were twice as likely than the women to be in the top and bottom ten percentile of intelligence. Women tended to be grouped closer to the brighter middle. This may explain a lot. Women are more in a general grouping on average. And so at any large gat... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th March 2008 @ 4:17 PM

Things aren't always what they seem. False advertising is against the law, but companies do it all the time. According to the sign at my gas station, gas costs $3.54 AND nine-tenth cent per gallon. Not so. Because there's no one-tenth cent coin to be given in change, it's actually $3.55 per gallon. And because there's no one-tenth cent coin, I can't use twenty of them to give the gas companies my two cents worth. When you look inside a cereal box, it's two-t... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Saturday, 15th March 2008 @ 2:09 AM

That's it. No more sad stories. No more long faces. We just can't take it anymore. We, the moral supporters, staff and affiliates are on strike. We are on strike against doom and gloomers. We are on strike against those that continue insisting the sky is falling. There is no joy in Mudville. Nor in Cupertino or Thousand Oaks. Let us hang our collective heads and knash our designer teeth. Most employees are not happy campers. It really doesn't take much int... more...