Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 9th November 2007 @ 10:08 PM

Living in Los Angeles without meditating would be like living in Seattle without drinking coffee - hard to swallow. Today, thankfully, you don't have to have long hair, sandals and a tie-dyed t-shirt. Today the look is Richard Gere without tie-dye. It's not Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, of course, because blonds have more fun. Because my dictionary defines meditating as "thinking clearly", it's not our local politicians either. LA has the reputati... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 7th November 2007 @ 9:10 PM

My grandmother loved familiar sayings and one of her favorites was "You can't have your cake and eat it too". Hopefully, she didn't share that with brides. If a bride puts a piece of wedding cake under her pillow, her dreams are meant to come true. Because I eloped, that wouldn't have worked for me. I didn't have a wedding cake. Even if I did, I wouldn't have dared to put a piece of cake under my pillow. My saying "I do" included doing laundry. Be... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Wednesday, 7th November 2007 @ 8:29 PM

Last night the ground moved. Again. It started a little after 8:00 and lasted about 15 seconds; a swaying motion rocking back and forth. It had been a while. Actually several years. This one was a 5.6 and was the biggest we have had since the 7.1 quake in 1989; you probably remember the World Series Loma Prieta earthquake. That day in 1989 I was heading to get some hamburgers for the start of Game One when it hit. I had left early for the game but a number of employees were still in the ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 6th November 2007 @ 9:56 PM

Burger flippers get training, so do crossing guards and street sweepers - but not parents. As soon as sperm fertilizes an egg, we become human sculptors. We're given approximately seven pounds of protoplasm to mold and manage, help and heal, teach and train, comfort and care for. I can't help thinking the world would be a better place if we were trained to do it - if we were trained to take care of the next generation - the generation that will take care of us. In spite of my m... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 6th November 2007 @ 4:30 PM

My grandmother believed in face-lifts - as long as they didn't require surgery. She believed a smile improved everyone's looks. Most women, however, use lipstick to improve their looks. That's why lipstick is the most frequently purchased beauty product - except by me. I don't wear lipstick. I don't have the patience to reapply it. For me lipstick wears off faster than my mother-in-law's welcome when she goes on and on about how much my husband loved homemad... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 5th November 2007 @ 2:58 PM

All of us can't be beautiful. God knows. Take me for instance. I'm nondescript. You see me in a restaurant and it's as if I'm not there. On the one hand that's good because no one is pointing at me and making faces. I can also spill food on my shirt and no one will pay any attention. Or care, except for a stray comment like "Look John, there's another idiot with food all over his shirt." Yet on the other hand my modern angsted ego is bruised wh... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Monday, 5th November 2007 @ 2:57 PM

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, is skin deep and is 99% attitude - we hear it, but we don't believe it. If we did, we wouldn't spend billions of dollars every year on cosmetics. But it's not just women. Ten years ago women spent ten times more than men did on beauty products. Now we spend four times more. From deodorants to sunscreens, Americans use an average of seven skin care products daily. Supposedly, women in Shanghai, China use twenty. If that's tr... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 2nd November 2007 @ 9:18 PM

Every day's a gift - some are just wrapped better than others. A crisp, spring afternoon with a cloudless sky; rain that finally goes and snow that never comes - I feel like I have a fair-weather friend - me. I feel like I have the Midas touch when my checkbook balances on my first try. I feel that way too when the jury summons isn't addressed to me and my mother-in-law's address isn't mine. When I hold a newborn baby, I love its smell. I melt when its tiny h... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Friday, 2nd November 2007 @ 8:10 PM

California is headed for the Really Big One and it's not an earthquake. All the earthquakes in California's history will not equal the damage this Big One causes because this disaster will also shake the United States and the world. California, world economic powerhouse that it is, will be brought to its knees by an ecological disaster of previously unknown proportions. The simple fact is California is going dry. Everybody knows this. We use more water than we have, if that'... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 1st November 2007 @ 6:51 PM

I've come to the conclusion that confusion is our fifty-first state. Take men, for example. I was fathered by a man, married one and gave birth to two - but I still don't understand them. When I told a lesbian friend I envied her because she had a partner who shared feelings, she laughed and said feelings are just something else to fight about. I didn't want to hear that and I don't want to hear broken campaign promises from politicians. It's enough to make me wis... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 31st October 2007 @ 9:26 PM

My mailman hates junk mail as much as I do. Instead of putting it in the mailboxes, he stacks it neatly on the floor next to the mailboxes. I'm not sure he's fulfilling his "neither rain nor snow nor sleet nor dark of night" postal duties; but I consider my mailman a hero - a man in uniform fighting for freedom from unwanted ads. In my personal fight for freedom I try to throw ads away before I open them. I try, but I'm gullible. An envelope stamped "Important ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 31st October 2007 @ 1:09 AM

Jenny Craig, NutriSystem and Weight Watchers are all established names in the diet business, but Jenny Craig took a risk. She put her name on her program. Now she has to put all her weight behind her program and none on her hips. Programs, packaged food, pills - because we do it over and over again, you'd think dieting would get easier. Eat less and exercise more. It sounds easy. Of course, rubbing your belly while tapping your head sounds easy until you try it. If you'... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 30th October 2007 @ 11:12 AM

My grandmother told me I could take her anywhere - except for granted. Microwaves, TiVo's, iphones, Swifters - things I use automatically would have changed my grandmother's life. On the other hand - the one with the tea cozy in it - things my grandmother had would have changed my life too - things like first class postage costing two cents an ounce, gas costing a few cents a gallon, food that tasted home cooked because it was cooked at home and laundry that smelled April fresh... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 26th October 2007 @ 2:39 PM

Blowing out birthday candles, seeing a falling star, saying a word at the same time someone else does, blowing away an eyelash - although there are lots of ways to make wishes, my mother-in-law still makes surprise visits. I still wonder if I'm the only one who worries about people spitting on the cake when they blow out the candles - but I digress. If I had just one wish, I don't know how I'd use it. I'd like my relatives to live nearby, but I know what you're go... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 25th October 2007 @ 9:37 PM

Marriages may be made in heaven, but a lot go to hell later. Because I'm still married to husband number one, divorced girlfriends ask my advice about what they should look for in husband number two ... or three. My advice is free - and worth every penny. If I were husband shopping, intelligence and a sense of humor would be on the top of my list of requirements. Next on the list would be his having a good job. A job is good if he likes it and if it gets him out of the house. A job i... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 25th October 2007 @ 1:45 PM

As I get older, time goes faster. I have to try to manage it or get out of its way. My first lesson in trying to do this came from my grandmother, who repeatedly stressed the importance of balancing work and play. When I was seven, I thought I'd figured out how. That's when I asked her for another watch so I'd have one for work and one for play. Today my watch is my conscience. I inherited it from my father and sometimes I think it's still his. My father was a... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 22nd October 2007 @ 7:39 PM

These two guys were almost at blows. Actually they were so puny it's doubtful that if one hit the other it would matter. "Go ahead, I Dare Ya! Google My Name!" shouted one. Was it a threat? Some sort of secret code? What would actually happen by googling his name? I was intrigued and it seemed neither combatant would back down. That's how I guessed they were gamers. It was hard to tell exactly what the two techie types did for a living but my guess w... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 22nd October 2007 @ 7:37 PM

We have all heard bigger is better. At least that's what the snake oil marketers tell us. These charlatans tell me that whatever my desire in life it can be fulfilled by having a bigger one. Or ones. I've come to the conclusion that part of it is cultural as in the "American Way." We do everything in a bigger way. That's why nobody wants a smaller one. No matter what it is. A good part of this new bigger better marketing methodology makes no sense to me. I watch the... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Monday, 22nd October 2007 @ 10:55 AM

I HATE having my picture taken! The expression "take your picture" says it all. It says something's going to be taken and it is - my peace of mind. It sounds like a cliche, but I'd rather go to the dentist. I would, that is, if the dentist didn't have his own camera and didn't x-ray my teeth. That's enough to trigger my photo phobia. I get that doe-caught-in-the-headlights look, my face freezes and my top lip sticks to my front teeth. This makes it diffic... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 19th October 2007 @ 6:01 PM

When it comes to gift buying, "Be careful what they ask for - you might have to shop for it". I avoid this problem. I don't ask family and friends what they want for birthdays or for Christmas. By doing this I avoid having to shop for things like "a light, blue sweater - but not too light blue; with pretty buttons; machine washable; and in a size small - unless the sizes run small and then a medium". My husband and I stopped exchanging Christmas presents when we coul... more...