Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 21st November 2007 @ 2:03 PM

What do remodeling and marriage have in common? Compromise. Saying, "I do" was the beginning of saying "we" and saying we wanted to remodel our new house was the beginning of saying "why". The remodeling of the bathrooms was meant to start today, but it's been postponed. The contractor's contract couldn't be "holier" if it had been carved on a stone tablet and brought down from a mountain. Nevertheless, the hardwood floors are done, ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 21st November 2007 @ 1:39 PM

How do you recapture youth? People over forty want to know. If you see a man over forty wearing an ace bandage, a brace or a cast on any part of his body, you see a man who's been injured in the battle against getting old. Whether his battlefield was a basketball court, a football field or a ski slope, the bad guys were younger. As this wounded warrior "becomes less young", there will be more and more guys to battle; and they'll hurt his ego more than his body. Eventua... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Wednesday, 21st November 2007 @ 12:37 AM

Bad Boy China is finally ticking off the sensitive diversity folks in my barrio. Somehow lead contaminated products were easier to take; after all, lead kills slowly. Lead is not nearly as dramatic as say a date rate drug coated toy that sends infants into nasty comas. When the story first broke my first reaction was how horrible for the kids and the second reaction was how the hell did such a drug comes to be on an infant's toy? The answer is not apparent and it took a bit of poking... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Monday, 19th November 2007 @ 4:40 PM

When I wasn't looking, some words disappeared - like haberdasher. In 1960 we stopped needing a name for someone who sells men's hats. That's when John F. Kennedy went hatless to his inauguration. That's when men stopped wearing hats. When women went to work in a man's world, they stopped wearing hats. That's when we stopped needing milliner, a name for someone who sells ladies hats. Caps are the thing now - baseball caps. Printed with names of businesses, sp... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 16th November 2007 @ 10:43 PM

They say you don't know someone until you walk a mile in his shoes. If you walked a mile in mine, you'd have to walk in heels. I'm more comfortable in heels than flats - usually. My luggage was lost when my husband and I went to Costa Rica. Lost luggage wasn't a surprise. Wearing heels to climb over volcanic rock from a live volcano was. Because hiking in heels was hazardous to my health, I did what I had to do to make sure my luggage was found the next day. I bought ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 16th November 2007 @ 6:52 PM

Who knew the "for better or for worse" part of my wedding vows would get better and better? When you're opposites, one spouse supposedly balances the other. I don't think so. If you're deaf, it affects your balance. If you're deaf to the beliefs and needs of your partner, wouldn't it affect the balance of your marriage? John and I may have been opposites when we attracted, but time changes all things. Now we agree on lots of things - like agreeing to disagree. more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 15th November 2007 @ 7:27 PM

Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses - well, they didn't until eyeglasses became a fashion statement. Now people spend hundreds of dollars on designer frames. Designer frames are a status symbol. They're for others to see you can afford them - but they're not for me. I can't see them when I'm wearing them; and when I'm not wearing them, I can't find them. Instead, I buy mini magnifiers at the drug store; and I don't think it... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Thursday, 15th November 2007 @ 4:04 PM

It had to happen sooner or later on what is considered the most beautiful campus in the United States. With a population of over 20,000 and more coming, the University of California at Santa Cruz has to build some additional parking. That's because many of the streets on Westside Santa Cruz now require residential permits. UCSC has more students than parking spaces so freshmen cannot park on campus. Hence the new parking lot. Unfortunately the new parking lot will require downing so... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Thursday, 15th November 2007 @ 3:36 PM

You know who you are. You've turned over your locus of self control for the collective good. You've given up your mind and soul for others. You have adopted the standards and norms that are acceptable to many people some of the time. You have in fact, dumbed down. Why do you feel like you've entered the twilight zone of arrested development and whatever potential you once had left with your divorce settlement? OK. I know. You are expecting some words of co... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Thursday, 15th November 2007 @ 3:33 PM

At least on this planet, the USA is considered the leading democratic nation and by many scorecards the hands down numero uno country in the world. What the rest of the world is finally beginning to understand is that we in the U.S. have worked incessantly to improve and hone our political system until it is the envy of the world and the pride of every hearth and barbecue pit in our great land. Almost. A great example of how we are envied is our current 2008 election campaign. On the... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 14th November 2007 @ 1:40 AM

Whatever happened to the past seven or eight hours? That's what I ask myself when the alarm clock goes off. Because I feel like I just closed my eyes, it's hard to believe it's time to get up. Maybe I should make myself wake up during the night so I can appreciate having been asleep. I'm at the age when there are lots of "whatever happened to's" in my life - like glasses. Although I have pairs strategically located throughout the house, I can't see ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Monday, 12th November 2007 @ 3:36 PM

Front doors say as much about who lives in a house as names on mailboxes do. Natural wood, for example, says casual and unpretentious - unless the owners of the house have been married for so long they've gotten used to the weather-beaten look. Glass, on the other hand - the one turning the highly polished, brass doorknob - says secure, at peace and nothing to hide. It also says the owners aren't likely to cast the first stone. Stained glass says the same things glass do... more...

Humor | By David BROWN @ Friday, 9th November 2007 @ 11:06 PM

Sometime during my sixth grade year, the rats came. We had a rat infestation. An unhealthy rat plague! I recall this as one of the most frustrating years of my mother's and my life. Let me whine again about those rats! I do not know if you have ever been involved with a rat infestation of this magnitude,so let me tell you about the situation. When the rats first appeared in the North Texas area, we thought they would go away quickly, but boy were we wrong! They just multiplie... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 9th November 2007 @ 10:08 PM

Living in Los Angeles without meditating would be like living in Seattle without drinking coffee - hard to swallow. Today, thankfully, you don't have to have long hair, sandals and a tie-dyed t-shirt. Today the look is Richard Gere without tie-dye. It's not Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, of course, because blonds have more fun. Because my dictionary defines meditating as "thinking clearly", it's not our local politicians either. LA has the reputati... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Wednesday, 7th November 2007 @ 9:10 PM

My grandmother loved familiar sayings and one of her favorites was "You can't have your cake and eat it too". Hopefully, she didn't share that with brides. If a bride puts a piece of wedding cake under her pillow, her dreams are meant to come true. Because I eloped, that wouldn't have worked for me. I didn't have a wedding cake. Even if I did, I wouldn't have dared to put a piece of cake under my pillow. My saying "I do" included doing laundry. Be... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Wednesday, 7th November 2007 @ 8:29 PM

Last night the ground moved. Again. It started a little after 8:00 and lasted about 15 seconds; a swaying motion rocking back and forth. It had been a while. Actually several years. This one was a 5.6 and was the biggest we have had since the 7.1 quake in 1989; you probably remember the World Series Loma Prieta earthquake. That day in 1989 I was heading to get some hamburgers for the start of Game One when it hit. I had left early for the game but a number of employees were still in the ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 6th November 2007 @ 9:56 PM

Burger flippers get training, so do crossing guards and street sweepers - but not parents. As soon as sperm fertilizes an egg, we become human sculptors. We're given approximately seven pounds of protoplasm to mold and manage, help and heal, teach and train, comfort and care for. I can't help thinking the world would be a better place if we were trained to do it - if we were trained to take care of the next generation - the generation that will take care of us. In spite of my m... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Tuesday, 6th November 2007 @ 4:30 PM

My grandmother believed in face-lifts - as long as they didn't require surgery. She believed a smile improved everyone's looks. Most women, however, use lipstick to improve their looks. That's why lipstick is the most frequently purchased beauty product - except by me. I don't wear lipstick. I don't have the patience to reapply it. For me lipstick wears off faster than my mother-in-law's welcome when she goes on and on about how much my husband loved homemad... more...

Humor | By Jack Deal @ Monday, 5th November 2007 @ 2:58 PM

All of us can't be beautiful. God knows. Take me for instance. I'm nondescript. You see me in a restaurant and it's as if I'm not there. On the one hand that's good because no one is pointing at me and making faces. I can also spill food on my shirt and no one will pay any attention. Or care, except for a stray comment like "Look John, there's another idiot with food all over his shirt." Yet on the other hand my modern angsted ego is bruised wh... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Monday, 5th November 2007 @ 2:57 PM

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, is skin deep and is 99% attitude - we hear it, but we don't believe it. If we did, we wouldn't spend billions of dollars every year on cosmetics. But it's not just women. Ten years ago women spent ten times more than men did on beauty products. Now we spend four times more. From deodorants to sunscreens, Americans use an average of seven skin care products daily. Supposedly, women in Shanghai, China use twenty. If that's tr... more...