Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:26 AM

I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't like alarm clocks. I'd love to wake up each morning looking as vibrantly refreshed as the women in Lunesta ads. I don't. I wake up looking like I need sleeping pills instead of my morning vitamins. When my eyes finally open, I see the bathroom scale staring back at me with its one eye. Thankfully, my scale doesn't talk; but it doesn't express empathy either. Because John and I have home offices, you'd think... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:25 AM

If you live in Southern California and you're not in therapy, you just haven't realized you have problems. I'm in therapy - self-therapy. Appointments always coincide with my schedule, I can afford it and I have a variety of different therapies to offer myself. There's the newspaper therapy. I count the number of obituaries and realize being over the hill is a lot better than being under it. A walk by the ocean is a marvelously restorative therapy. Yes, I trac... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:20 AM

Eve got kicked out of the Garden of Eden and I took that as a sign not to garden. My not having even a pale green thumb was a sign from Mother Nature I wasn't meant to garden. Not so with my husband. He was born to garden. He was born with green hands. When he had a garden, I could have written "The 101 Ways to Cook or Disguise Zucchini Cookbook". The mint he conveniently planted by the back door for ice tea grew to inconveniently block the back door. And the... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:20 AM

Post-its - what would I do without post-its? The older I get, the more I need them. Although they come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors, the basic, yellow square covers everything for me - literally. Post-its are on the refrigerator, of course; but they can also be found on my computer, the TV, my bathroom mirror, my husband's calendar and the front door - inside and outside. Frankly, there are enough post-its posted in my house to qualify my decor as post modern. T... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:19 AM

Cruise is a relaxing word. You imagine deck chairs, ocean breezes - and no responsibilities. The word lets your thoughts drift at sea - unless you're my husband. John feels confined on ships, he feels confined in the tuxedo he's expected to wear to formal dinners on board and he can't be conned into feeling fine about it. When in doubt - or you can't get your way - compromise. We compromised by sailing on a small ship - eighty passengers, casual dress and one ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:18 AM

To recycle or not to recycle, that is the question. No, I don't mean aluminum, glass, paper and plastic. That's not a question. That's my responsibility to my littered and taken-for-granted planet. Every day I have to dispose of packaging materials. The smaller the item is, the bigger its package is. Supposedly this increases the product's eye appeal. Not for my eye. I thinks it's malicious manufacturing, marketing madness and sabotage salesmanship. Of course, I&... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:18 AM

Okay. I admit it. I'm electronically challenged. I have trouble using an electric can opener, an electric pencil sharpener - even an electric toothbrush. My husband, on the other hand - the hand holding a fistful of extension cords - loves electronic gadgets. It's a guy thing, which I'm sure Freud would have said related somehow to a man's relationship with his penis. Anyway...when John brought home an answering machine, I was intimidated by its buttons and fl... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

I used to think naps were a luxury - one I could afford, but wouldn't make me fat. Latinos take siestas and Japanese have inemuri; but my Puritan heritage made me feel guilty about napping because I wasn't accomplishing anything. Well, yes I was. A recent newspaper article reported that naps help fight cardiovascular disease. They allow us to recharge our batteries. When we're stuck in traffic, we put our cars in neutral. In hot weather we make sure there's enough wa... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

Is it because I'm blond or don't I get out enough? The grocery store bagger put a "Thank You For Shopping Here" sticker on one of our paper bags. I thought it was supermarket PR. Who knew it was code for purchases paid for - not stolen. Have you ever wondered why fresh flowers are put in upscale restrooms? They provide a subliminal message not to be messy. Most doctors' signatures are messy, but obviously they begin and end with upward slants. In feng shui... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

"You're out of luck". That's what the salesman told me when he didn't have my size in a shoe. I didn't think anymore about it until I ran out of gas driving home from the mall. A few minutes later a policeman stopped to offer assistance and noticed my license tags had expired. It was true. I was out of luck. Because I didn't know where to get more, I decided to do whatever I could to avoid - misfortune. Some people knock on wood after saying something they... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

Why don't I ever see a half-empty bag of potato chips or a few peanuts left in a bowl? We must have convinced ourselves that snack food doesn't have as many calories because we eat it with our hands. But if that's right, maybe it applies only to right-handed people. Why don't people make an effort to throw empty potato chip bags in a trash receptacle? What do these peoples' homes look like? If you asked them to properly dispose of the bags, would you get trash ta... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:16 AM

Once upon a time, not too long ago, my husband thought I had too many credit cards - especially for clothing shops and department stores. John thought having so many credit cards could discredit our credit. I charged salon services, movie tickets and luncheons with friends - which seem to cost more than lunches. Anyway ... John thought the only thing I couldn't buy on credit was happiness. Early in our marriage, a time I refer to as B.C. - Before Credit - we paid for everyth... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:15 AM

"I wish I could, but I don't have time". "Sorry, but I have too much to do". "Maybe I can fit it in next week". Monday turns into Thursday and Thursday turns into the following month. I feel like a dog chasing its tail. It's time to stop and smell the beef jerky treat. It's time to enjoy the reason we moved to Southern California - the weather. For my husband and me living in the East had become one of those four-letter words - snow. Now I'm ad... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:14 AM

If clothes make the man, dressing for success is done one pant leg at a time. A scientist needs a white lab coat. Both male and female executives need to be well coiffed in tailored suits, but the female executive has a chip on her shoulder from hitting her head on the glass ceiling. Politicians, with their hands out and talking out both sides of their mouths, should wear conservative suits accessorized, of course, with flag pins. Accessories are an important part of the look. A professor... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:12 AM

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. When I was a little girl, this was just a bedtime story. As an adult, I can read the lesson between the lines. Picky people are hard to bear. When I heard the story of "Cinderella", I wanted glass slippers. Now I would need the slippers in size eight and a half. If I tried to squeeze my feet into eights, I'd undoubtedly shatter my dreams about Prince Charming. "If the shoe fits, wear it" is "Cinderella�... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:12 AM

No, I didn't go river rafting or rock climbing or skeet shooting. My sense of accomplishment came from single-handedly getting a sitter. Yes, I found a responsible, experienced, college sophomore, who didn't have a date on Saturday night. Unfortunately, her boyfriend comes back from National Guard duty next week; but we had her for Saturday night. We had her so my husband and I could go out for a romantic dinner for two. Yes, the romantic dinner was my idea. Our childre... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:11 AM

For my grandmother slang was a four-letter word. She didn't want slang in the dictionary because she thought it infected our language. "He goes", "she goes", "they go" but no one goes anywhere. Because enough people used the word goes incorrectly for a long enough period of time, the goes that means says goes into Webster's Dictionary - and there goes our language. When I wasn't looking, the adjective "pretty" morphed into a noun, a... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:07 AM

I am one of the lucky ones. I work at home. My commute is less than thirty seconds and I'm much less likely to spill Starbuck's coffee on my lap. However, all house and no play makes for the occasional need of a sitter - but where have all the sitters gone? Sitters seem to have become an endangered species. The bald eagle is an endangered species and I'm beginning to think bald eagles are bald from scratching their heads in sitter frustration. Between the plentiful... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:05 AM

No one man has all the qualities I want my president to have, but maybe I want too much. I want a man of the people - someone who understands the problems of the common man - someone who tells it like it is - someone like a termite inspector. My candidate should have experience governing. He should work unceasingly to get different groups to work together for the common good. He should have been a PTA President. Of course, getting people to work together requires compromise; and we&... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:04 AM

A litterbug is someone who drops something, but picks it up when asked. Litterbugs who don't respond to "Excuse me, you dropped something" should be called litter roaches. Frequently you see people in orange vests picking up litter along highways. Often this is punishment for their wrongdoings. Unfortunately, when wrongdoers pick up others' wrongdoings, two wrongs don't make a right. Global warming isn't right, but the concept needs to be re-explained ... more...