Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Sunday, 16th December 2007 @ 7:53 AM

Nostalgia is a longing for something far away or long gone - like the good old days. People talk fondly about times when things weren't rushed or stressed or expensive. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder - and the memory hazier. Back then - whenever then was - people didn't rush as much because they didn't have as many places to go. They stressed less because pharmaceutical companies didn't describe hard work as stress and things cost less because people couldn't ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 7:04 AM

When you think pollution, you're thinking dirty thoughts - but not just about the environment. Our language becomes less pure every day. Being anxious about it used to mean you were worried; but because so many people used the word incorrectly, now saying you're anxious can mean you're eagerly wishing for it. Does that mean an eager beaver is worried? Gossip is language that dirties peoples' reputations. It's like manure. It's spread and it stinks. If gossip... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:59 AM

Lists are for forgettables. When I was a newlywed, however, the one for the supermarket was more about what not toA get in order not to go over budget. If it wasn't listed, we couldn't afford it - unless it was tissues or toilet paper. We always needed those and they never spoiled. When I travel, I always have a checklist. Everything I've taken anywhere is listed. All I have to do is cross off what I don't need for a particular trip and decide how many of what's ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:58 AM

There's no way to keep sand out of the house when you live by the beach, but the beach is why we moved here. I tell my family a little sand underfoot is homey. In the summer the beach is a magnet. People come for a day in the sun and by the end of the day I can tell which ones came without sunscreen. They come to release their inner child, as well as the children who've been in the back seat of an SUV repeatedly asking, "When are we going to get there?" Unfortunately, t... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:57 AM

Little things mean a lot - that's inspirational motivation. When I was a little girl, I was afraid of the dark. My grandmother told me sunset was Mother Nature's way to say goodnight. That was inspirational motivation for me to be brave about going to bed. Unfortunately, when Daylight Saving Time came, it stopped working. Mother Nature got to stay up later than I did. When I was growing up, I was taught please and thank you were little things that meant a lot. They were magic w... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:55 AM

Hopefully confessing bad habits makes us better people. My first confession is spell check had to remind me habit is spelled with one "B". According to behavioral scientists, it takes three weeks to "change the way you do something" and to be successful you have to replace the bad way with a good way. That was the way I dated when I was a teenager. Although John was the last, date replacement, my husband has been a bad influence on me. He's the one who's ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:55 AM

Whatever happened to truth in advertising? I live in Los Angeles, where what you see isn't necessarily what you get. Face lifts, breast implants, liposuction - we're walking billboards for plastic surgery. I often walk past an apartment complex named Ocean Heaven. It sounds heavenly, but it's three blocks from the ocean. Downtown there's a sign on a new condo complex that says "Living above LA". I'm not sure if that means it's high living or ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:55 AM

My grandmother would say the English language has gone to hell in a handbasket. I agree; but because I didn't know where that saying came from, I Googled it. I found out that in 1714 the governor of Piscataqua said something about giving his head in a handbasket before passing something. Then, of course, I had to Google Piscataqua to find out it's an area in New Hampshire. I never found out the derivation of the phrase or when handbasket became two words, but I did find out tha... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:49 AM

Is living on the edge a lifestyle? Living on the edge means different things at different stages in life. For a toddler it means letting go of Mommy's hand to take that first step. It's the first lesson in the ups and downs of life. An adolescent learns to compromise and share in order not to be pushed over the edge by another adolescent. Unfortunately, however, I know a few people who survived adolescence without learning to compromise and share. When teenage... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:48 AM

Who knew that 46.4% of the average American's food dollar is spent in restaurants? Our lives have gotten so hectic we don't have time to defrost dinner or put something in the microwave. I remember when going out to eat was a treat. Now, in spite of eating out being more expensive and less healthy for us, it's becoming a necessity. Because I'm a glass-half-full person - the glass presently being half full of diet soda - I think there might be good news about ea... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:48 AM

Who knew wines in screw-top bottles would become acceptable to knowledgeable wine drinkers? These are the same people who had to adjust to plastic corks. No wonder they drink. My husband is a knowledgeable wine drinker. He knows what years produced good grapes and what wineries are best for which wines. I don't. If I like a like a wine, I'll buy it again. If I can't remember its name, I look for the same picture on the label. When John took me to my first wine tas... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:44 AM

A friend sent me a postcard from France. The rolling hills of Provence, lush vineyards and charming chateaus - yes, I remember it well. When my husband and I went to France, I packed so much he accused me of trying to smuggle things into the country for a garage sale. I'm a girl scout at heart. I wanted to be prepared. To be prepared for the change in time a friend advised me to stay awake on the flight and go to bed at my usual time - local time. Blurry-eyed and e... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:41 AM

Aren't there anymore original ideas? Now "The Simpsons" is a movie. Soon Hollywood will be making "Oceans 21" and Spiderman will be using a walker. One "CSI" turned into three. One reality show turned into an unreal number of them. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but on television the words are repeated. "Good Morning America" has become "Good Morning Iowa City". If a baby girl was named Iowa City that would be unusual. I thought Madis... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:41 AM

When I read package labels in the supermarket, am I the only one who thinks I'm reading about "hellth" food? A food manufacturer makes his products low fat. That sounds healthy, right? Wrong. The products have so much sugar I could serve them for dessert. I recently read that the average American eats two and a half pounds of sugar a week. First, who are these average Americans? If they eat that much sugar, shouldn't they be easy to see? By eating natural sugar in things... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:40 AM

What a difference a day makes - unless you're going through life on automatic. Scientists are no help. They say we shouldn't sleep late even if we have the chance. Supposedly not getting up at the same time every day has a negative effect on our biorhythms. Obviously, those scientists don't have young children. I try to get up before the alarm clock goes off. There's no pushing the snooze button. If I snooze, I lose what I hope will be a head start on the day. For me g... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:40 AM

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" When my mirror giggled, I made an appointment for a makeover at the "New You", a very chic beauty salon. Did I want a manicure or a massage? How about a new hair style? I wanted the works. In by nine, out by five - just like my dry cleaning. As soon as I walked through the salon's gold door, I was greeted by a Miss-Universe-type, who handed me a shapeless, chartreuse smock and paper slippers. N... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:14 AM

A funny thing happened on the way through our marriage. John and I have reached a state of contentedly happy companionship. The excitement of new love has matured. When we were newlyweds, I didn't make dinner until John got home. A few years later life and children got in the way and I kept his dinner warm. Now if John comes home late, his dinner is defrosting to room temperature. When we were newlyweds, we surprised each other with love notes and little gifts. We still leav... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:12 AM

If Santa had to drive instead of fly, he wouldn't make it to my house Christmas Eve. Traffic raises my blood pressure and makes me late. The only good thing about traffic is that it keeps me from speeding. Speeding is against the law. Traffic should be too. There are times I would get my errands done faster if I physically ran them instead of drove and feeling exhausted would be better than breathing exhaust. Listening to the radio doesn't sooth my savage beast because ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:12 AM

How do you know when you're grown up? Is it when people stop asking you what you want to be? One of the first things I wanted to be was an only child - no hand-me-down's, no sharing, no comparing, no competition.Then I realized if I didn't have siblings, I wouldn't have anyone to share the blame. From the age of ten I wanted to be a writer. I wrote the wordiest essays in fifth grade, which inspired my teacher to teach me about editing. The next thing I wanted to be was... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 6:08 AM

I still have nightmares about being unprepared for school tests. Would dream analysts interpret that as meaning I don't feel in control of my life or that I have a fear of failure? Maybe I just need to be better prepared for blood tests and eye tests. I went to an all girls' school - white blouses, blue skirts and brown oxfords. The only time I got away with makeup was for missed tests. I didn't like math. I didn't like subjects that had exact answers - subjects... more...