Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:34 AM

Sports is what summer means to men. To women it means what am I going to do with the kids all summer and what bathing suit will make me look thin? A generation or so ago summer meant women covered their dark furniture with light-colored slipcovers. I wouldn't bother. My furniture gets covered with ice cream drips. According to some psychologist without enough serious research to do, the popularity of America's favorite treat is due to the need of adult Americans to reca... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:33 AM

There's a difference between being stressed and being in a hurry. I'm a hurrier and I come from a long line of them. My grandmother told a story about the Devil asking three of his associates how he could get more people to go to Hell. The first associate suggested telling them there's no Heaven. The second associate advised the Devil to tell them there's no God. No, growled the Devil to both men. He'd tried both of those ideas and neither of them had worked. The... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:32 AM

Life is constantly trying to teach me patience - waiting for the pot to boil, the traffic light to change, the check to come in the mail and my mother-in-law to refer to me as her daughter-in-law instead of her son's wife. I started to learn "how to wait without tantrums" when I was a child. I had to learn to wait patiently for parties, for vacations and for time-outs to be over. Now, however, I think it would be easier to learn "the art of waiting" when you&... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:31 AM

Maybe it's because I grew up in a house full of women, but I'm a talk radio junkie. Music channels don't sooth my savage beast. Music doesn't quiet my thoughts - no matter how loud it is - even teenager loud. I want a combination of news, weather, interviews and humor. A little bit of sugar helps medicine go down and humor makes it possible to swallow a lot of the news. I can't sit still long enough to read newspapers. Unfortunately, for the newspaper bus... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:28 AM

"The check's in the mail". "No, you don't look fat in that". "You don't look that old". These are familiar exaggerations, white lies or what my grandmother called Pinocchio noses. A building contractor nose how to convince you the remodeling will be done on time. A used car dealer nose how to make an old car look good. A lawyer nose how to make his client look innocent. When I was an innocent child and the doctor said, "This won't hu... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:27 AM

Joiner? I didn't think I was a joiner. I wasn't a Brownie and I left the Girl Scouts before I had to earn a camping badge. I don't camp - unless you call surviving power outages camping. I survived my childhood without having the sports gene. I didn't join in pick-up games of kick ball, volleyball or anything ball. If the playground supervisor asked me to join in a game, it meant more people were needed. If more people were needed, it meant whatever they were play... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:26 AM

I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't like alarm clocks. I'd love to wake up each morning looking as vibrantly refreshed as the women in Lunesta ads. I don't. I wake up looking like I need sleeping pills instead of my morning vitamins. When my eyes finally open, I see the bathroom scale staring back at me with its one eye. Thankfully, my scale doesn't talk; but it doesn't express empathy either. Because John and I have home offices, you'd think... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:25 AM

If you live in Southern California and you're not in therapy, you just haven't realized you have problems. I'm in therapy - self-therapy. Appointments always coincide with my schedule, I can afford it and I have a variety of different therapies to offer myself. There's the newspaper therapy. I count the number of obituaries and realize being over the hill is a lot better than being under it. A walk by the ocean is a marvelously restorative therapy. Yes, I trac... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:20 AM

Eve got kicked out of the Garden of Eden and I took that as a sign not to garden. My not having even a pale green thumb was a sign from Mother Nature I wasn't meant to garden. Not so with my husband. He was born to garden. He was born with green hands. When he had a garden, I could have written "The 101 Ways to Cook or Disguise Zucchini Cookbook". The mint he conveniently planted by the back door for ice tea grew to inconveniently block the back door. And the... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:20 AM

Post-its - what would I do without post-its? The older I get, the more I need them. Although they come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors, the basic, yellow square covers everything for me - literally. Post-its are on the refrigerator, of course; but they can also be found on my computer, the TV, my bathroom mirror, my husband's calendar and the front door - inside and outside. Frankly, there are enough post-its posted in my house to qualify my decor as post modern. T... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:19 AM

Cruise is a relaxing word. You imagine deck chairs, ocean breezes - and no responsibilities. The word lets your thoughts drift at sea - unless you're my husband. John feels confined on ships, he feels confined in the tuxedo he's expected to wear to formal dinners on board and he can't be conned into feeling fine about it. When in doubt - or you can't get your way - compromise. We compromised by sailing on a small ship - eighty passengers, casual dress and one ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:18 AM

To recycle or not to recycle, that is the question. No, I don't mean aluminum, glass, paper and plastic. That's not a question. That's my responsibility to my littered and taken-for-granted planet. Every day I have to dispose of packaging materials. The smaller the item is, the bigger its package is. Supposedly this increases the product's eye appeal. Not for my eye. I thinks it's malicious manufacturing, marketing madness and sabotage salesmanship. Of course, I&... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:18 AM

Okay. I admit it. I'm electronically challenged. I have trouble using an electric can opener, an electric pencil sharpener - even an electric toothbrush. My husband, on the other hand - the hand holding a fistful of extension cords - loves electronic gadgets. It's a guy thing, which I'm sure Freud would have said related somehow to a man's relationship with his penis. Anyway...when John brought home an answering machine, I was intimidated by its buttons and fl... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

I used to think naps were a luxury - one I could afford, but wouldn't make me fat. Latinos take siestas and Japanese have inemuri; but my Puritan heritage made me feel guilty about napping because I wasn't accomplishing anything. Well, yes I was. A recent newspaper article reported that naps help fight cardiovascular disease. They allow us to recharge our batteries. When we're stuck in traffic, we put our cars in neutral. In hot weather we make sure there's enough wa... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

Is it because I'm blond or don't I get out enough? The grocery store bagger put a "Thank You For Shopping Here" sticker on one of our paper bags. I thought it was supermarket PR. Who knew it was code for purchases paid for - not stolen. Have you ever wondered why fresh flowers are put in upscale restrooms? They provide a subliminal message not to be messy. Most doctors' signatures are messy, but obviously they begin and end with upward slants. In feng shui... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

"You're out of luck". That's what the salesman told me when he didn't have my size in a shoe. I didn't think anymore about it until I ran out of gas driving home from the mall. A few minutes later a policeman stopped to offer assistance and noticed my license tags had expired. It was true. I was out of luck. Because I didn't know where to get more, I decided to do whatever I could to avoid - misfortune. Some people knock on wood after saying something they... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:17 AM

Why don't I ever see a half-empty bag of potato chips or a few peanuts left in a bowl? We must have convinced ourselves that snack food doesn't have as many calories because we eat it with our hands. But if that's right, maybe it applies only to right-handed people. Why don't people make an effort to throw empty potato chip bags in a trash receptacle? What do these peoples' homes look like? If you asked them to properly dispose of the bags, would you get trash ta... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:16 AM

Once upon a time, not too long ago, my husband thought I had too many credit cards - especially for clothing shops and department stores. John thought having so many credit cards could discredit our credit. I charged salon services, movie tickets and luncheons with friends - which seem to cost more than lunches. Anyway ... John thought the only thing I couldn't buy on credit was happiness. Early in our marriage, a time I refer to as B.C. - Before Credit - we paid for everyth... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:15 AM

"I wish I could, but I don't have time". "Sorry, but I have too much to do". "Maybe I can fit it in next week". Monday turns into Thursday and Thursday turns into the following month. I feel like a dog chasing its tail. It's time to stop and smell the beef jerky treat. It's time to enjoy the reason we moved to Southern California - the weather. For my husband and me living in the East had become one of those four-letter words - snow. Now I'm ad... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 5:14 AM

If clothes make the man, dressing for success is done one pant leg at a time. A scientist needs a white lab coat. Both male and female executives need to be well coiffed in tailored suits, but the female executive has a chip on her shoulder from hitting her head on the glass ceiling. Politicians, with their hands out and talking out both sides of their mouths, should wear conservative suits accessorized, of course, with flag pins. Accessories are an important part of the look. A professor... more...