Humor Articles

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:35 AM

"Jobs Americans Won't Do" has been in the news a lot lately; and I admit it - there are jobs I won't do. I won't be a high-rise window washer. My fear of height overrides my desire to peek in windows. To the other extreme, I won't be an oceanographer - the kind who explores the deeps in a little submarine. I'm claustrophobic. Even if I weren't, I wouldn't be an oceanographer. Ever since I saw "Jaws", I'm haunted by the movie... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:34 AM

If finding a penny is lucky, I must be luckier. I found a quarter and was lucky all day - especially when I didn't hurt my back bending over to pick it up. Traffic lights turned green for me, parking spaces appeared where I wanted them and the police car with the blaring siren that was quickly approaching me on the freeway sped past me. If it had been my husband who found the quarter, he wouldn't have had to finally admit we were " a little off course" and have to ask f... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:33 AM

Home is where the heart is. As newlyweds, our hearts' first home was a two-room apartment furnished in contemporary Salvation Army. Like many newlyweds, John and I were poor in possessions, but rich in time together. We didn't have a vacuum cleaner - we didn't need one. I cleaned our one, tiny rug with a dust pan and brush. Since then our hearts have had sixteen homes, but it's been much easier moving our hearts than moving our increasing amount of possessions... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:31 AM

I live in the land of flashy cars. In LA you are what you drive - even if you're driving yourself into debt. If you buy a Bentley, a Ferrari, a Maserati or a Rolls Royce you're buying an attention-getting car. If you buy a BMW, a Jaguar or a Mercedes, you're buying an economy car. I've seen all kinds of cars. I've seen one that looks like a hot dog and one that looks like a shoe. I've also seen a car that looks like a rooster - which proves not all c... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:30 AM

Remodeling, unfortunately, doesn't mean Christie Brinkley and Cindy Crawford are going to start modeling again. What it means is something which started out as a "wouldn't-it-be-nice-to" turns into a "when-will-it-ever-be-done". First, if you can, move out. If that's not possible, join the club. There are no dues to pay. By giving up your privacy, daily routines and all sense of order, you're already paying a high price for membership. Second, ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:18 AM

Two cents here - three cents there - and up goes the cost of U.S. postage. Some of the increased revenue pays for change of address cards, which are free at the post office. When we moved, I sent these cards to friends and relatives I couldn't notify by e-mail. Yes, Virginia, there are people who don't believe in e-mail. That I'm sure about. What I'm not sure about is the Postal Service itself. On many occasions I've waited so long for an expected letter ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:06 AM

W.C. Fields said, "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia". It's what he sarcastically suggested as his epitaph. I'd rather be in Philadelphia than have my annual physical. The tests don't bother me - although being a Type A personality makes me want to study for them. Asking as many questions as I can in the fifteen minutes I'm actually with my doctor is like playing "Beat the Clock", but that doesn't bother me. However, the fi... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:02 AM

Last Thursday was one of those "daze" I should have stayed in bed. The day began with me, my family and my job in balance. By the end of the day I had trouble balancing toothpaste on my toothbrush. As I pulled the bedcovers over my head that night - yes, night eventually came - I was thankful tomorrow was a new day. I was thankful I had no idea what it would bring. Then I said a little prayer asking for tomorrow to be "less challenging". Yes, less challenging was ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 4:01 AM

Housework is like raising kids - it's never done. Take dusting - please. Supposedly you're meant to dust after you vacuum because vacuuming causes more dust. Living causes dust. I can see dust falling while I'm trying to wipe it away. Over the years I've replaced our dark furniture with light-colored furniture trying to camouflage the dust; but during that same period of time I discovered you never get rid of dust, you just recycle it. Vacuuming is another tha... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 3:59 AM

To me camp is a four-letter word. To my husband and older son it's a secluded site nestled into scenic mountains. It's invigorating, fresh air and a gurgling, fish-laden stream. It's food that tastes better because it's cooked outside and it's camaraderie sitting around a blazing fire. It's not that for me. I wouldn't expect that kind of experience unless I was camping with Smokey the Bear. When I was six or seven, I asked for a tent for my birthday. I ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 3:57 AM

Someone super sized my supermarket. Because we moved, we changed supermarkets. Although it's less than four miles away, it's worlds apart. In addition to the usual items, it has a Starbucks and a bank. You need a bank if you're a regular Starbuck's customer. It also has a pharmacy and a florist. Now you can buy your own get well flowers. The explanation for the large cosmetics section must be that customers want to look super too; but I don't k... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 3:52 AM

I was flipping through the pages of a travel magazine when I self-diagnosed my symptoms of lethargy. I hungered for travel. My husband ended my hunger by taking me to Greece. Hold on. Before you vote him husband of the decade, you should know he took me to Greece via a Greek restaurant. I had black olives, feta cheese, stuffed grape leaves, baklava and - indigestion. France was another country I couldn't tour with my taste buds without Speedy Alka Seltzer as my guide. more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 3:52 AM

Once, in the name of science, I let my younger son buy four rats. The rats were for a science project and he agreed to take them back to the pet store IMMEDIATELY after the project was finished. In spite of this agreement, I wanted to return the rats the next day - or as soon as I caught them. Finally I did; and in spite of looking like I'd finished last in the rat race, I felt sorry for them. I told them it could be worse. They could have been breakfast for a boa constrictor. <... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 14th December 2007 @ 3:54 AM

I hadn't spent the night in a hospital since I had my last child and more than diapers have changed. I'd had fond memories of a caring nurse remaking my bed after helping me to the bathroom. Not anymore. This time when I rang for help, what I got was a yell from the desk nurse, telling me the nursing assistant - the only nursing assistant - was busy. Obviously, when you're in a haven of healing, a room with a view isn't necessary; but it sure helps to be in view of the nurses... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 13th December 2007 @ 12:58 AM

Lists are for forgettables. When I was a newlywed, however, the one for the supermarket was more about what not toA get in order not to go over budget. If it wasn't listed, we couldn't afford it - unless it was tissues or toilet paper. We always needed those and they never spoiled. When I travel, I always have a checklist. Everything I've taken anywhere is listed. All I have to do is cross off what I don't need for a particular trip and decide how many of what's ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 13th December 2007 @ 12:54 AM

Whatever happened to truth in advertising? I live in Los Angeles, where what you see isn't necessarily what you get. Face lifts, breast implants, liposuction - we're walking billboards for plastic surgery. I often walk past an apartment complex named Ocean Heaven. It sounds heavenly, but it's three blocks from the ocean. Downtown there's a sign on a new condo complex that says "Living above LA". I'm not sure if that means it's high living or ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 7th December 2007 @ 7:17 PM

Who needs casinos - life is a gamble! Just getting out of bed in the morning is a gamble. I could fall in the tub, have an accident on the way to work, get fired, choke on dinner or trip and fall while I'm putting on my pajamas. I get out of bed and play the game because it's the only game in town. When I was learning to play the marriage game, there was a fifty-fifty chance of a good meal. The first - and only time - John brought someone home for dinner without warning me wasn... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 7th December 2007 @ 7:12 PM

Dining out is easy. It's the where that's hard. If I want dependable, the "d" in delicatessen is for dependable. The thickness of the pastrami sandwiches might vary and sometimes the matzo ball soup is thicker; but when I go to a deli, I know what to expect. I also know who's going to serve me. If you're under fifty, you shouldn't be a deli waiter. Comfort food should be served by someone who makes you feel comfortable. In LA most waiters are out-of-work ... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Friday, 7th December 2007 @ 7:02 PM

The time from Thanksgiving through New Year's should be called the "holidaze". Invitations to drop by, invitations for cocktails, invitations for dinner - I'm holidazed by it all. What to wear? Several years ago I decided to simplify my life by wearing black - solids, prints, stripes - basically black. Because of this decision I don't have a holiday sweater. I don't have one piece of red or green clothing. What I have is Johnny Cash'itis; but happily, eve... more...

Humor | By Knight Pierce Hirst @ Thursday, 6th December 2007 @ 2:15 AM

Criticism - Aristotle said that we could avoid it be saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing. Benjamin Franklin said that any fool can criticize and most fools do. According to Errol Flynn, it didn't matter what people said about you - just what they whispered. Then there was my grandmother. She said that sticks and stones could break my bones, but names would never hurt me - but she didn't stop there. My grandmother took it one step further. She told me to use the sticks and s... more...