Anger Management Tip #12: Taking Out the Emotional Garbage That Causes Conflict
By Rixk Goodfriend
At least once a day to satisfy needs for more energy and calm, check in with yourself during the day. We don't need resentments hanging around. Identify your values being satisfied or unsatisfied right now from your daily experiences. Try this before a meal or before going before bed. This s a great way to remove emotional garbage that may begin to smell as if you forgot to take out the trash and left it for a week.
My real life example:
I have just returned from a 5 day trip. Yes, I forgot to take the garbage out before I left. Well you know what happens. When I came home. My garbage was smelling, very bad. So I took it out and the house smelled good again.
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The same holds true for emotional garbage. If we don't take it out. It starts to smell. I don't want it to start smelling as it may cause my day to become dysfunctional so I need to find a way to take out this emotional garbage.
For example:
As I was thinking about my plane trip from last night I had several judgments about the person that sat next to me. His elbow kept hitting me in the side while he was using his computer. It took me awhile until I finally said something to him, using compassionate communication, of course.
As I thought about him today and the experience, The resentment was still present. I became angry as I talked about this situation of his elbow being in my side and why he didn't realize that he was making me uncomfortable.
Garbage Thinking? What i do to remove it.
I said to myself, "Doesn't he realize his elbow is in my side? What is wrong with this man?" This kind of thinking, I don't want to have. It takes away my energy.
1: Identify Emotions:
So as I think about this now I become upset. And this is the energy that I do not want. So I identify my emotions when I think of that situation now. Not last night, but when I think of this now. So my feelings are. I'm uncomfortable, I'm upset, irritated, amazed. Remember, emotions at this moment.
2: Identify needs and Values:
What values or needs are not being met. As you may guess there are many needs. Stop reading this at this point and try to guess, what values of mine are not being met? Some of my needs, as I think of it right now might be for ease, fairness for space , comfort, consideration, respect. I just let out a sigh.. This means I'm connecting with myself. At this time, I have just removed this emotional garbage from my emotions. The sigh was a signal this has happened.
3: Now to really make this work even better. I want to rid myself of the enemy image, the resentment of this person. So again, I try to identify some needs, but these needs are the needs that he was trying to meet by taking more space and putting his arm in my side. Try to guess what these are? Now he was about 6 foot five, and we were in a commuter plane.
So he was probably trying to meet his needs for comfort also. So as I think about this, and his needs, more emotional garbage is leaving me as I'm able to connect with his needs not being met.
In summary,
Optional: Identify the trigger that was actually happening. An observation is something concrete that is happening that people could I agree with what could be a quote His arm in my side is an observation.
1: 10% Identify my emotions now. not emotions yesterday but about what my emotions are right now.
2: 90% of this communication is identifying my values. What values were not satisfied. Now you can look down at the list below and you'll see a needs list.
3: Identifying the needs of the my fellow 6 foot five passenger.
So now I'm even smiling and laughing, because the emotional garbage is gone. II did not do the processing this experience would pile up with all the other stuff. It is now gone and my emotions are free to enjoy my day and not be in resentments.
So try this exercise now as this is being proactive, calming yourself for the rest of your day or sleep.
About the author
Personal and business communication skills are never an easy subject, yet Rick Goodfriend wants communication with others to be easier, more satisfying. Rick Goodfriend is founder of World Empathy Day where you can find many more tips on relationship communications and how to solve difficult challenges. A CD written by Rick Goodfriend on creating instant calm is at http://walkyourtalk.org/indexCD1.htm .
Additional Business and personal communication Skills are at http://walkyourtalk.org/ where you may sign up for weekly communication tips, teleclasses and workshops. Successful communication with anybody is possible with the proactive skills taught. Rick Goodfriend is also a co-creator and host of a television show on proactive communication and resides in Santa Barbara, California continuing to surf, hike and practice personal communication skills.
Rick Goodfriend is also a certified corporate speaker and can provide keynotes, trainings and consultation for your business or organization.
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